I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes