glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.