I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.