They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
That’s it.I’m out.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Bike for sale
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*