Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
welp
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!