spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Jail
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Go girl power!
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.