Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
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“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what