It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”