We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I’m being attacked 😭
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.