before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
How it started How it’s going
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*