Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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In space, no one can hear…
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS