what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.