me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips