Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.