Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
oh my gosh!!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.