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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Can. I. Help. You.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest