Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
You Might Also Like
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If a snake ate a cake
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.