[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
☺️
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”