Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
When the stylist spins you back around
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
We decided to have money instead of children.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.