When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
You Might Also Like
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
secret recipe
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
🤣
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*