So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i can’t wait that long
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*aggressively waits in line*