5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
wtf is a larm clock?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”