[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???