Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie