Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*