I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges