*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
this is 10/10 content no notes
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My life in a nutshell
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing