People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Fights fire with marshmallows
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I’ve had worse
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now