Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?