I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period