Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.