My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.