I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Customize Your Wedding.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…