Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Good morning y’all ☀️
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.