I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Oh boy, $150,000!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
guys I’m going home
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.