For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Same post same
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Why is this me 😫
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”