god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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Just grow your own
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
this isn’t threatening at all
OMG 🤣🤣
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.