Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
You Might Also Like
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Siri: Retweet me.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏