Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.