I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
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How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose