Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?