sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away