My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.