I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.