A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.