This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
*frowns in Scottish*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.