cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?