ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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Okay, I’m still confused…
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god