The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
You Might Also Like
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”