Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.